Slow + Rushing

Wind was kicking up all sorts of leaves around my house this morning while I was laying in bed, in a weird way it felt like fall had finally kicked in this weekend. This October has reminded me quite a bit of last October, but only in weather... not my then circumstances.

I have been busy, busy, busy. It's like a slow rushing right now, I feel everything so acutely and I'm paying attention. Like each step being oddly and carefully considered before the next, but quickly. I drastically cut back on drinking and I quit smoking pot (which is legal here, by the way). I'm about three months in now I think, I can't remember exactly when it was I stopped. Being sober has been trippy in and of itself, but it's fantastic really. I dream deeply, much more vividly and the depressive side effects of alcohol are gone. Sadly, weed is a spiritual blocker for me. It closes up parts of myself that are very necessary for me to reach on a daily basis. I am relearning how to be comfortable with this level of sensitivity. It's wonderful, being very here and now. Being able to move outside of myself. Become an observer. It isn't easy and I watch myself do shit that makes me shake my head, or causes me to reassess other methods of doing things. It's all weird. Feeling feelings is weird. Being human is weird. Everyday is some strange experiment it feels like. An exciting, strange, titillating... experiment.

I really kind of wanted to focus on slowing things this fall and winter, and I think I am getting there. One lesson I have been trying to wrap my stubborn head around is: it's OK to give up on shit. It's OK to put something away, throw it away, wash it away, take it away and watch it drift far far down a river you set it in, never to be seen again. Giving up ain't bad. It's relieving sometimes to be honest, sometimes sad. But in my case these recent weeks, it's been good, great even. It's space creating for something else to expand or for something else to move in. I've been in favor of expanding upon things, digging deeper and not taking on things that perpetuate the burn out cycles I find myself in.

I've been drinking a lot of roots in tea and taking them as medicine. It's the rooty season. Right now, ashwagandha has been my slowing down, adapting to external pressures and stress plant. Which I think I will expand upon in another post...

I think, that is what this fall and winter will be about, because... I just pulled a card about it. Hah! Two of Cups. Amalgamation. Moving together parts that are separate into a whole and piecing together discombobulated bits. A uniting of polarities to create a whole.

Old man Hermit has been creeping around the periphery too, like always. The contemplation before the amalgamation. I think my extroverted summer tapped me out and now my bear-ness has arrived and I am ready to den these short days away. Undergo some processing... and meet spirit guides halfway, because 'tis the season! The veil is thinning and oh how spirit is on the loud speaker. Do you feel it?

So many signs pointing to dig into the earth, these days, or be swallowed by it. Like the Shaman, who makes their way into the otherworld by the roots of tree or being eaten by the earth.

Hello Equinox & Green Things

Spring came so wildly early this year, alarmingly early. Violets in January? Yes! It's kind of crazy. Wild cherry trees have been blooming, filling the streets with white and pink snow. Catkins dangling phallically from trees. The air a mix of tree sex. What has been lacking is the scent of cool petrichor, mingling with blooming things. There have been a handful of predawn mornings, while lying in bed that I can hear and smell the rain coming down. Those are rather precious times to me. The lack of our generally incessant rains this time of year leaves one wondering, curious and slightly wary. That's how I feel anyway, and I wonder to what extent our summer will be dry and hot this year. The thought of wildfire and smoke creep into my brain...

Despite springs early arrival I have been excited about it, naturally. As the sap rises in the plants and trees and the soil moves a little more, so do I and it generates a great joy inside of me. I feel like a bear coming out from its winter den. I've been chomping at the bit to find, gather, process and make things. Poplar buds, nettles and cleavers have been my allies thus far.

Before I moved back into the city proper I had the luxury of living along a paved trail corridor with patches of relatively undisturbed land. Gathering was easy and simple. I knew where the cottonwood stands were, where the creepy ass alder swamp was, wild strawberries, roses, you name it. Now it's whole 'nother game, especially when you lack personal motorized vehicle transportation. Now it is chance, by surprise and hunting when I find what I am looking for. While I miss the ease of access and familiar places and special spots I am finding treasures, medicine and spirit hidden in the nooks and crannies of the city.

I believe that spirit is just as strong and valid in the city, as it is in the most wild and untouched places. I have seen and read a lot of dismissal of the spirit world in the city and I think that it is unwise. They are different, but equally important in my opinion.

So it's a strange and interesting adventure. Acquainting/reacquainting myself with familiar but unfamiliar territory. Making new spirit and plant friends, discovering lonely, overlooked, neglected green patches, appreciating them and befriending them. Every year I feel like I've waited for this moment my whole life, the Spring Equinox. With the sun moving into my sign Aries, my blood quickens and a strange life lust overcomes me and more than ever I feel the desire to do, do, do!

Only warmer and longer days from here on out. Making the most of it.

Nearing Summers End.

Last blooms from the althea.

It's morning and I'm sitting in my office. I can hear the Kingfisher singing his song as he patrols the pond near by territorially. My muscles are sore from a workout, my heart is twitching from too much coffee. Leaves are already changing their color. The air is touched with a slight coolness and you can smell distant woodsmoke. The seasons are beginning their shift.

I'm sort of reflecting on this summer and what it's brought. Massive transition, upheaval, stress and beauty. Finding beauty in suffering and turmoil has been a theme for me lately. It's what you do with what life throws at you that matters. Do you succumb to the poison or transmute it?

Last night I was the victorious rider in the 6 of Wands and then I played with an otter in my dreams. Good things are coming. And while it's been what feels like an unending phase of chaos and stress it's all going to calm down shortly. I move into my new home in just a few short days.

I've been dreaming of plants and mountains and birds. Bringing into my home what I wish I could live in. Making space to nurture and create. I'm excited to build my own home and nest. Every inch of it my own. Something I haven't had in a very long time.

While this summer has brought to me some pain and suffering, it has brought me the greatest beauty, lessons learned and insights gained. Setting me on a truer path to my self. Things I have only ever dreamed of became a reality, in more ways than one.

September 23rd marks the fall equinox. A timely marker of the completions and ending of one phase moving into something new and liminal. I am ready.

Incoming.