Wind was kicking up all sorts of leaves around my house this morning while I was laying in bed, in a weird way it felt like fall had finally kicked in this weekend. This October has reminded me quite a bit of last October, but only in weather... not my then circumstances.
I have been busy, busy, busy. It's like a slow rushing right now, I feel everything so acutely and I'm paying attention. Like each step being oddly and carefully considered before the next, but quickly. I drastically cut back on drinking and I quit smoking pot (which is legal here, by the way). I'm about three months in now I think, I can't remember exactly when it was I stopped. Being sober has been trippy in and of itself, but it's fantastic really. I dream deeply, much more vividly and the depressive side effects of alcohol are gone. Sadly, weed is a spiritual blocker for me. It closes up parts of myself that are very necessary for me to reach on a daily basis. I am relearning how to be comfortable with this level of sensitivity. It's wonderful, being very here and now. Being able to move outside of myself. Become an observer. It isn't easy and I watch myself do shit that makes me shake my head, or causes me to reassess other methods of doing things. It's all weird. Feeling feelings is weird. Being human is weird. Everyday is some strange experiment it feels like. An exciting, strange, titillating... experiment.
I really kind of wanted to focus on slowing things this fall and winter, and I think I am getting there. One lesson I have been trying to wrap my stubborn head around is: it's OK to give up on shit. It's OK to put something away, throw it away, wash it away, take it away and watch it drift far far down a river you set it in, never to be seen again. Giving up ain't bad. It's relieving sometimes to be honest, sometimes sad. But in my case these recent weeks, it's been good, great even. It's space creating for something else to expand or for something else to move in. I've been in favor of expanding upon things, digging deeper and not taking on things that perpetuate the burn out cycles I find myself in.
I've been drinking a lot of roots in tea and taking them as medicine. It's the rooty season. Right now, ashwagandha has been my slowing down, adapting to external pressures and stress plant. Which I think I will expand upon in another post...
I think, that is what this fall and winter will be about, because... I just pulled a card about it. Hah! Two of Cups. Amalgamation. Moving together parts that are separate into a whole and piecing together discombobulated bits. A uniting of polarities to create a whole.
Old man Hermit has been creeping around the periphery too, like always. The contemplation before the amalgamation. I think my extroverted summer tapped me out and now my bear-ness has arrived and I am ready to den these short days away. Undergo some processing... and meet spirit guides halfway, because 'tis the season! The veil is thinning and oh how spirit is on the loud speaker. Do you feel it?
So many signs pointing to dig into the earth, these days, or be swallowed by it. Like the Shaman, who makes their way into the otherworld by the roots of tree or being eaten by the earth.